Muster.Your.Courage

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Its raining heavily outside now. I think the skies are crying for me... for I am left with no more tears.

Its the English's Midyear paper tmr. Got news that it wouldnt be easy (wells, no papers this time round will be easy). I am really worried and a little scared because I have no confidence whatsoever. I can already picture myself tomorrow when I recieve my question paper: I would be sitting in my chair and staring at the paper, clueless. Then I will start to scratch my head for good ideas (but fail to find any) and then sulk. (Eventally..) When an idea finally forms in my head, I will start to write and realise with disappointment that I only have less then 40 minutes to complete both sectionsof the paper.

SO there you have it. A detailed anaylsis on how I would spend my 1.5 hrs on paper one. And its always this way.. the pattern is standard..it hardly changes.

I really have no idea how I can changed that cycle... and how I am going to pass the english paper.

It's all about Me.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Got this poem from Liana's online diary and I think it describes my feelings now:

''I Loved you, But did you love me too?
I Cared for you, But did you care for me too?
I Missed you, But did you missed me too?
I’ll never know how much you…
-Loved Me,
-Cared for me,
-Missed me…
But I know one thing for sure….
I’ve always Loved, Cared and Missed you…
But did you know?
How could you Know?
You’ve never been by my side… ''

Okay, the credits of this lovely poem goes to my darling, Liana.
Anyways, I feel like ranting...

-ends rants-

Now I feel so much better...

It's all about Me.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Had my english orals last saturday and I must comment that it went rather well. Really really well actually. Had Mrs Yusuff *whee~* and because I have a good relationship with her, I was really comfortable in her pressence. Therefore, my words and thoughts came out clear and precise. Now that everything's over, I can at least heave a sigh of relieve.

Went to collect the badges after that from Ms teo, chatted alittle and went for lunch at NS. Has yummy laska there and was on my way home. Bathe. Took a nap and I was making my way to Church for the standard Sat mass. Stand, sit, kneel.. stand, sit kneel.. and the vivicious circle went on. Had dinner with mom and we went shopping at OG. Mom and I were walking along the rows of pretty clothes when she suddenly spotted some cheongsams. She grabbed one and asked me to go and try it on. *sweatdrops* Anyways, did just that and boyohboy.. it looks so niiiiiiiiice! She chose a dark green cheongsam when hand-printed floras and hummingbirds sew on it. When we checked out the price, both mom and me nearly flipped. It costs $599.90 and she thought (at first) that it will probably only cost $200 plus. Hahas. It was one funny sight to see us grasping at the price tag and then bursting out in laughters when we realised our mistakes. Ciaos.

It's all about Me.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Here I am sitting in front of the com, like I always do and suddenly the past creeped back to me. I had to relive through those nightmares again but there is a different ending to it this time. Usually, I would let the sinister hands wrap me and engulf me within its evilness and hatred but this time, I choose to break free of all these binds and walk out of it. I have successfully accomplished that and I am proud of it. Now, I finally realise how immature my thinkings were. All that I ever needed all these years was encouragement, bravey and lastly- my faith in God. I have depended on myself for too long. I have held on to the memories of those who has hurt me for far too long. Sure, it almost impossible to forget it because it has already long been engraved in my heart but nevertheless, I feel as if a load has been lifted off my shoulders and you have no idea how relieved I am feeling now.

All I can smell of now is the alluring, sweet scent of Roses. It is surrounding me, giving me another reason to hang on to what I have, to live on. Something as sweet as this could only come from one person. No, She is not even a person. She is a being, a higher being. And I thank God for the grace and perservance to be able to last to this day.

It's all about Me.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Fcuk. Fcuk. Fcuk. I am soo fcuking jealous.
Just read something off someone's blog entry and I am now soaked in jealousy.. from head to toes.
I really dont believe that you are already taken ..
actually I do. But I guess realization has not hit me until a while ago. Fcuk. *slaps self*

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I have no idea why I am doing here in the school's com lab when I can go home and get my well deserved rest. The computers here are darnright slow, the internet connection here is like snail paced. The air here stinks because they have yet to clean the aircons and it gives off this musty smell.
I know that I have a lot of things that I have to attend to. Oh you know... the basics - FnN, church commentating. Basically,getting my life back into the order of things.
As the days go pass, I feel number and number. I feel as if everything else is whizzing past me at a very fast rate and that I am just there, stationed and rooted to the ground.
Its just like one of those instances when everything else is a blur and the next thing you knw, reality hits you real hard on your back.
The numbness that I am feeling now is beyond description. The closest example I can find to convey my degree of numbness is this - try sallowing 10 panadol extras at one go. Try pinching yourself next and I bet you can feel nothing, no pain. And no, I have never tried taking in 10 pills before. Thats almost insane. *Almost* is the word.

I feel that there is something I must do to get over this. What is it, I am not exactly sure. For the mean time, I intend to just recover a little at a time and hope that this 'little bit' will last me a loong looong way.

It's all about Me.

Monday, April 05, 2004

I dont much appeitie for weeks and it has gotten worst for the last few days. For example, I didnt eat anything for breakfast today and wouldnt have recess if *she* didnt sweet talk me into nibbling something before I go off. All I had was a packet of apple juice with aloe vera and half a slice of bread with ham. In fact, I was feeling so bloaty after that. Had a chat with *her* and fill her in with details a little here and there. Shared a little moment and loved every minute of it. *giggles*
Okay, for all who dont get what I am saying here. You're probably not getting me at all. And lets just leave it that way.

Been missing lessons and I am sooo tired of doing the same thing again and again. I hate it sooo much when I have to repeat myself so much so that I am going to kill the next person who asks me 'How are you getting on, Rosemary?' Pffft!

Only a selected few know what I am going through and I am just glad to leave it at that number. The reason to why I am not telling everyone else is not because I am ashamed, its more like they cant do anything to help, so whats the point?

Feeling so tired. Going to take a nap..~

It's all about Me.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

My life is such a total screwed up now. I have tons of things which I have to get down to before new tasks piles up on the exisiting one on Monday.

Have got to complete coursework because the grading's this thursday. So I got to re-type almost everything (yes, all 10 pages of info) because the research didnt turn out good enough and some points were irrelevant. I can usualy type pretty fast but I am just so sick and tired of doing my coursework that I feel like giving it up all together.

There's maths tution tmr and I still have yet to do the hmk. Will get down to that. Got to complete that soon before tmr. Also, I got to embrace myself cos on Monday, I will be getting a big pile of overdated and overdue maths assignments that I owe my teacher. I am finally planning to give a shite to my maths. Trying to put in the effort if I want that pass.

Chinese prelims are like in a week's time and I have not even started studying on anything yet. Must start this evening, must start before its too late...

Realised that I have been skipping a lot of CCA sessions and that is not a good sign. If this goes on, I will not be able to reach that 70% quota. And if thats the case, then this year's efforts will all go down the drain. Seriously, I dont want to see that happen at all... so I must remember to go for my sessions and to push everything else aside.

And to top everything up, my stomach is acting all weird. Been having diaerroa the whole day even after consuming random medicine. I feel like puking too. I pray that my body's not breaking down on me becaue I cant afford this luxry now! I think I am letting too much affect me. I should learn to let go of my emotions and start on serious work straight away.

Besides, work is the only thing that keeps me sane nowadays.

It's all about Me.