Muster.Your.Courage

Friday, June 30, 2006

Friday, June 30, 2006

Somehow, I just can't seem to gather my thoughts properly. Too many things going through my mind now. What a mess. Wondering about school life, friends, the ever increasing workload, upcoming due dates, personal lifestyle and health. But it's mostly on my school grades and whether I am in PACEsetters or not. Apparently, my other friend who went for the interview with me got in. She knew because they called her but no one called me! No, actually, I did recieve a miss call with a private number so that might be it. I'm not hoping for much. No hopes, no disappointment.

I am planning to finish at least my brochure design, 2 chapters of medsoc, 3 marketing journals by this weekend. And yes, even if that means I have to stay awake all night. I cannot stand doing last minute work. Guess I want to get rid of that unhealthy habit.

We'll see if my planning really work.

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Aaaand the perfect way to end all my Cs and Ds? Is a big fat F.
This clearly sucks but whose to dwell on things like this. It's over.

I'm either kidding myself or the effects will kick in much later. Thats when you will see me walking around with a glass of something alcohol in it. Yupps. I guess that will only happen when reality kicks in. In the meanwhile, I am still hanging on. Still surviving. Trying not to wear my heart on my slevees.

Had dinner with parents at Lao BeiJing again. I'm getting real tired of eating at that place. Last weekend, we dined in Soup restaurant and we pretty much liked it. Maybe we should go back there and eat soon because dad likes the soup there. Ma doesn't cook enough soup for my dad. Or I could introduce new places to my ma. She loves chinese. I have tried suggesting other cusines like Jap and French but she likes chinese best. What am I say? lols.

As for now, I wish for nothing more than a good night's sleep. I need it. If I don't get good rest today, it would be the 3rd day in a row.

Oh, did I also mention that I won preview tickets to the show "The World's Fastest Indian". Actually, I saw the advertisement to it and I didn't quite liked it. I mean, fast bikes, and an old man. What are the odds? Hahas.

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I would have liked this post to be a happy one but I feel too down in the dumps for a smile. I'm sorry. No one reads my blog anyway so it doesn't matter.

Things are not going too well in school. All my grades are just average. I should just thank God that I didn't fail any subjects. What is wrong with me? Argh. It's not as if I don't try. I do. Probably not good enough, huh.

And I haven't gotten any good sleep for the past 2 days. I keep coughing and coughing through the night.

One thing after the other.

Someone once told me to see things as individuals. Not as a whole because it just gets your more depressed. In other words, your sickness has nothing to do with your results. Your results has nothing to do with your friends. So you don't pile the blame on yourself. Somehow, I disagree to that.

I feel too sad to continue this post. Another day perhaps.

It's all about Me.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

It's so strange how the mind works. Maybe it's just me but one cannot never really be fulfilled. Ever. Just this morning, as I was lazing in my bed, I felt..emptiness? no. that's not it. confusion? no. thats not it either. Maybe it's unsatisficaton and perhaps a little bit of sadness upon realization.

Two weeks have past and I know I have used it wisely. But there is still some part of me that wants more. Much more. I know I still have yet to visit the dentist or the dermatologist. Have yet to meet up with my friends. (Hope they haven't forgotten about me!) Have yet to sew any clothes. And the ever wanting to learn how to drive. Strangly, I have the manuals with me but I just can't seem to find the place to go down to the centre to manually register. I should find another way though.

Nothing's more sexy than a pair of long legs. Shaven and clean, of course.
Hahas. Totally random.

Now I need to go and find food. Preferbly porridge because I'm down with a sore throat. It feels much more like a swollen bulb stuck at the back of my mouth. I can't even swallow saliva without paining the pain. Just last night, I had to be rudely woken up from a very nice dream by my throbbing throat to take some water and pop strepsils to numb it for a while. Strepsils are addictive, I tell you. Hahas.
I pray that it heals before school reopens.

It's all about Me.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Class outing today was quite fun.
But not everyone turned up. Only a few, I guess the rest didn't bother. Some said they have other plans, others claim that they have projects they have yet to complete (as if we all have. actually, I have..lols!) etc. Rubbish la. Wells, those that didn't come missed out the fun. Went to watch "The King and Clown" and ate lunch at Swensens. Korean movies. I'm fine with korean movies only that it's really irritating and mind-sapping having to focus on three things at the same time; the subtitles, the movie itself and the interpretation. I guess the only thing that kept me going throughout the entire show had heavily ladden gay undertones. Ooh. The good friends, the king and that beatiful (uncomparable to Gackt, of course) boy. Wells, there WAS one quick scene when the king kissed beautiful boy. But that was pretty much it. Nothing more, BORING. Lols!

Rosemary is quite proud of herself. While others have yet to touch theirs, she has finished all her holiday assignments and even started on a little marketing revision! On top of that, she has worked during this time period to earn some extra cash for more online shopping! Hm. A good use of my 2 weeks, don ya think?
Oh, did I also mention that our projects are almost 1/2 done too? So proud of my group~

Come to think of it, sometimes I think that a little distance may not be a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Being together too often, too much may in fact harm the friendship. A little space is good. But too much...(like Liana and me) is NOT good. So Liana, if you are reading this, SMS me at once to say you are thinking of me and missing me like crazy. (cos I do! *blush).

Enuff' said.
I ought to pack up my room and cardboards. One needs a neat environment to be more productive. Hm.

It's all about Me.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Don't you just love it?
Watching two perfectly sane girls going at each other's throat for a brainless prick? I love reality sometimes. Those girls really do stupid things to each other. Names calling, fingers pointing, bitching to their friends who are, of course, on their sides.. So amusing. *claps hands with glee

Things worth mentioning today:
1. Today's my last day of work! Am happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I get better sleep (all the topsy-turvy working timings are messing up my body clock). Sad because I will miss all the good people there. You see, the word here is "good". Not everyone who works at my place is good. Good = nice. Not bitchy. Does not have arrogance in their blood.
2. No more extra income. But whatever I earned this couple of day, I'll make sure it goes a long way. I do not wish to rely on my parents if I don't have to.
3. I painted my nails! (both toes and fingers) Now my nail-ys are in a nice shade of Iced Pink. I love this color. My bottle is finishing soon, maybe I should go and get a new one. :)
4. And yes, I did a good day's job at work. One should be proud of little achievements like that. :)

Looks like I HAVE to go and collect my cash vouchers by tomorrow. *Manager wasn't too happy when he re-issued my expired vouchers today. Seriously, I do not see why the managers have to get all pissy over some over-dued vouchers. Oh wells.

It's all about Me.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

This is so weird. An old ahpeh tried to pick me up just now at the bus stop. He wasn't the garbage kind beause he was quite neatly dressed. Shirt pressed, black pants ironed and he was also holding unto a plastic file. Looked like he just finished work or something but he was balding. This was how our convo went:

Ahpeh smiled at me. Out of politeness, I gave him a tiny smile back.
Wrong move. He approached me.

Ahpeh: (In mandarin) Hello lady, are you local?
Me: (Tried ignoring but too nice) yes.
AP: Are you waiting for your friend?
Me: Yes..waiting for bus.
AP: Where are you going?
Me: (getting annoyed so I snapped) Why?
AP: Let me accompany you there. We'll take the same bus.
Me: (WTH?!!) (Snapped back) sorry. Not interested
....and I walked away.

Old fucktard.
I am not some China girl and I do not want to have sex with you. Sickening.

Just before my bus came, he tried to talk to me again. He said something about "you look very pretty" but I really wasn't listening to him. Just then Sam called me and I think he wanted to say sth before he went up the bus but he saw me on the phone and thought otherwise. Stupid.

Hopped unto my bus and was on my way to Orchard. Told Sam and hans about it and we all had a good laugh. So irritating can! Lols.

It's all about Me.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Am I in the right course?
Lately, this question has been popping into my mind very often. And I have been asking myself numerous times if this entire semster has been a mistake. I have been given a Media & Society assignment to do on "Media in Singapore" and I am stuck. Sure, I can do on press freedom, critics etc but I just don't know where to start, where to research and eventually, how to write the article to sound convincing enough to sway my lecturer. Then again, I am not not the only one with this problem.

Why am I vexing then?

I don't know. I tend to put extra pressure on myself.

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I was about to dedicate this post for my rant but I have decided otherwise. There is really no point in wasting my breath on a particular someone who acts very childishly just because I am a part-timer. Just so you know, his name's Sophian. And he's a full grown adult.

Nothing interesting happened today. How can something be so near yet you feel as though its so far away? I sense some kind of lost and insenstivity coming from my side.

Working tmr at 11am til 5pm. Then I am finally going to meet the RK people for dinner and then some coffee. Oreo's bringing her bf..and wells. I'm single so I got no one to bring. Seriously, I hope Oreo doesn't like, fawn over him in front of us. Im sorry but even if I can handle it, some of us can't. Lols.

My feet stinks.
Lols. Yeapps. I just smelt it. Hahas. Must be due to the many long hours my feet are hidden in my shoes. Need to scrub-scrub!

Zoo outing on friday with classmates are cancelled. Somehow I could already see this coming. After all, these are a batch of 17year old kids, what can they do? I'm sorry for being mean..but I feel ..sighs.

I feel tired. Need to sleep now.~

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Runny nose, the feeling of a raw throat, watery eyes, stomach juices churning.
Now I finally know how it feels like to b/p.
As surprising as it may be, I might fat a little while ago because I had half an 11inch pizza for supper. During the taxi ride home, I felt like vomitting and I knew it has everything to do with the pizza I ate just now. Upon reaching home, I immediately went to the toliet and tried to throw up. After 4 failed attempts, I knew nothing was gonna come up so I gave up the idea.

I heard that doing b/p a lot will make your teeth rot because of your acidic gastric juices. Interesting, huh.

Sometimes I wonder, can effort really make up for talent? All the adults says yes.
I try so hard, again and again to give my best but all I end up with are Cs and Ds.
Im thinking, will I ever be good enough?

I am seriously having second thoughts about poly. Am I doing the right course? If this what I really want? At first, when I told my parents that I wanted to go into Mass media, my ma disagreed quite stronly. She said it doesn't really have a bright future unless you land in the right job. And I am starting to think it's really true. Somehow, the idea of being the hospitality line is still pretty much in my mind but I didn't get into the hospitality course in Tp so..

Jessica is doing a marketing course in SIM. She just needs to take a 15 month basic (to get a dip) followed by a 2 year course to grad with a degree. Obviously this takes a lesser time to complete what I need to do in 5 years. I keep thinking that time is not on my side. As you already know, I had to 'waste' 2 years. I don't think I wanna waste another 2. Ooh..what am I to do? What if I DO switch and I cannot adapt to the new school nor its system? Choices..choices..choices.

You know how they always say that God has a plan for you? I don't see it working out. What if I end up not doing good at poly and I come out with only a basic cert and gets you nowhere near Uni? I think it's a "as good as nothing" situtation for me.

I am the kind of person that aims high. Maybe sometimes a little too high for my capabilites. Then when I don't get what I want? I get soo disappointed. That's when I fall into depression.

My life's and emotions are pretty much a cycle. I see all my friends around me changing and am I the only one who has remained constant all these while? Or is it me who's changing therefore everything seems to be different.

I don't know.
I really don't know anymore.

It's all about Me.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Age
5 yrs old
One more to six
What have I learnt?
Tiny smiles, bright brown eyes
Simple words, small gestures that brightens your day.

15 years old
One more to six
What have I learnt?
White corridors, white coloured beds
Mom sat me down, told me about her story of how she met Dad
The toils of labor before I came
Her gentle words, her tender face
And then with one last breath she said:
"the key to happiness is to Give and take."

25 years old
One more to six
I was filled with poise and rationality
The world is my oyster
I take, take and take.

35 years old
One more to six
What have I learnt?
Childhood dreams are hard to fulfill
And that I'm not born-ed with a sliver spoon
I take what I can
I take what I have.

45 years old
One more to six
What have I learnt?
Age is catching up with me
Then I start to think.
Maybe life is more then just take and take
Mom's wise words constantly rings in my head.

55 years old
One more to six
What have I learnt?
I am unhappy with my life
It's about time I stop
And realize what mom said than was true.
That the key to happiness..
I've got to give and take.

An attempt with a sudden inspiration. Don't laugh.

Went back to work.
Everything feels weird. A little different. It's like a good/bad feeling. Almost like de jevu.
Kinda hard to explain.
But one thing's for sure, I feel just as tired when I come home. lols.
Everyone's getting warmer with me, it seems as though I have forgotten what having colleagues felt like. All's fine. Lots of new faces. Even with the new assistant food & beverage manager, system's pretty much the same. Some part-timers get both wages and tips. People are getting friendlier. Everything looks good. Maybe cracks will start to show later.

I still have two over-dued cash voucher to collect. Kasturi doesn't seem to happy to take it back but I don't really blame her. Cos I know the both of us are going to get it from a certain manager. I heard that he's quitting and we are all not exactly complaining.
Speaking of managers, Alex seems happy to see me back. That's a good sign..right?

I'm hooked on sprees and that's NOT a good sign. Up to date, I have spent close to a $100 on items such as AE shirt, accessories and lippies. Got myself lippies from Victoria secrets and (believe it or not) Lip Smackers! I still remember when I was in IJ St nicks, I had a class mate who always had a lip smacker in her pocket and is the envy of everyone else. Funny though, that was all I remembered. I can't even recall her name or how she looked like. Selective memory huh. Hahas.

Im planning to do my marketing revision when I'm working. After all, all I do at work is greet people and answer simple questions. And of course, all smiles round.
Uh-oh. I still have medsoc's forum article to do. As much as I like to relax, I know I really can't. Assignments are calling for me. Revisions are killing me. Poly isn't like secondary school. You cannot procrastinate.

When we were having dinner just now at the canteen, I posed this question to everyone. "Can you live without a boyfriend?" hahas, yupps, everyone sitting at that table were girls. Actually it's just two girls la. Both said they cannot. A year ago, if you were to ask me this question, I would probably have given you the same answer. But now that I am studying again, with a real goal in my life, I know I can live without one.

My point here?

Sometimes you are not really what you want to be but because of the environment you are in, you are greatly influenced. Your emotions and lonliness are greatly amplified. You can choose to surpress it down or let it take over you.

Then again, if you've never seen the other side, you will never know what it's like.

It's all about Me.

Monday, June 12, 2006

INSTRUCTIONS:#1. Do the following WITHOUT complaint#2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours#3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Favourites

Favourite Colour: Nothing too bright or sparkly (in contexts with clothes)
Favourite Food: Without doubt, Mom's cooking. Jap food- Sashmi, udon. Good pasta, asian delights...
Favourite Song: None currently.
Favourite Movie: Pirates of the Crib.! Johnny Depp's hot. (and anything that's yaoi. lols!)
Favourite Sport: Relaxing with a good mag and hot tea. WHAT?!
Favourite Day of the Week: A good day is a happy day. Unfortunately, those days are thining with the ever increasing pile of work. Sighs.
Favourite Season: Winter? I love the idea of cuddling in font of the fireplace with someone special.
Favourite Ice Cream: Currently it has be to Strawberry Cheesecake from Haagen Dazs. :)

Currents
Current Mood: Real sleepy.
Current taste: Now that you mention it..Strawberry Cheesecake from Haagen Dazs! I should finish the tube of Cookies nCreme in the fridge first though. lols.
Current Clothes: Sleepwear, hair bun-ed up with hair accessories and specs.
Current Desktop: A picture I took of a painting I spotted at Odetoart with my handphone. The resloution isn't that good but it still looks really nice as my wallpaper. ><
Current Toenail Colour: A healthy pink, thank you.
Curent Time: 2.22am. Explains why Im feeling so sleepy!
Current Surroundings: In my room. Comfortable. Quiet. Peaceful.
Current Annoyances: I need to get more shopping done! Lols.
Current Thoughts: Sleep. And planning out the timings for tmr. Need to find own breakfast, need to go for work..all the needs to be fulfilled.

First
First Best Friend: Frankly, I don't believe in having A best friend. Why limit yourself to just one?
First Crush: I believe its my primary school teacher. Wells, at least that's all I can recall now.
First Movie: Aladdin's Lamp. Went with mom, aunt and benjamin. Real real young. Even had lunch at a restuarant after that. Can't remember what I ate there though.
First Lie: Huuh? How to remember?
First Music: Mom's talking when I was still in her tummy? Lols.

Lasts
Last Cigarette: Don't puff. Don't intend to.
Last Drink: Just yesterday. At 1am plus. With hans at Mandarin Hotel.
Last Car Ride: This evening. Journey from church to dinner to the hospital then home.
Last Crush: My handphone. That's why I got it. Lols.
Last Movie: Was supposed to watch slient hill yest. But didn't. No guts la.
Last Phone Call: Incoming out outgoing? Incoming: Aunt Elena. Outgoing: Sam.
Last CD played: John Mayer's - No such thing.

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: Nop.
Have you ever broken the law: Underage drinking counted?
Have you ever been arrested: nop. Don't wish to either.
Have you ever skinny-dipped: Wanna try it someday.
Have you ever been on TV: Nop. lols
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: Yea. *winks

5 things you are wearing:
1. Specs.
2. Plaster and guaze
3. Yellow M.A.D fundraising t-shirt
4. Shorts
5. Hair clip

4 things you done today
1. Bought more things over the net via spree. Its my new found obession. Unfortunely, its burning a big hole in my pockets! *Booo.
2. Prayed.
3. Slept a lot! Woke up at 12 this afternoon and that's counted as a rarity.
4. Marketing revision. :)

3 things you can hear right now
1. Frantic keyboard typing
2. Mom's watching VCDs in the living room
3. Random cars driving past

1 thing you do when you are bored: Pron sites. Lols.

It's all about Me.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Sam keeps asking me to give her my schedule and I keep procrastinating. I guess I don't feel like going back to work (lols.) but since I told Kast I'm going back, I will make good my word. Will call Sam after this post, I promise.

Stayed at home the whole day. Wanted to make some fashion but I can't seem to find my barbie. Mom said that she clearly remembered keeping one because when we were clearing the rest out, she kept it. I am too lazy to go and dig. Maybe I will go and get a new one.

I have yet to get my jacket for next friday's interview. Am going shopping tomorrow. By hook or by crook.

Yesterday's party was...uh... hahas. I think everyone from the kitchen came la~! We went all the way down to Marina South (!!!) at someplace called Shanghi. Hear this! They played techno music (like I said, I'm good with techno) but they had this live band that came out in the middle of a mix, stopped the music and started singing canto songs. Lols. I was like, HUH?! Got a little irriated la. Sam had to go off early (not home...silly girl) and I was in the hands of Superman. I totally trust him. The service crew were all getting bored so they were thinking of going somewhere else to drink. They invited me but I had to go home (no, it wasn't THAT late yet) and Alex sent me home. Nice fella. :)

Okay. Pointless post. Lols.

It's all about Me.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Today is not a good day. Not a good day at all.
Woke up early for journalism test. It was okay but clearly, I don't remember some facts that it doesn't help that about two such questions carried about 5 to 6 marks each. Am I going to fail? I doubt so. Am I going to pass with flying colours? I don't think so. Unless a miracle takes place.

Nowadays, all the results seems to be a 'just pass' or a 'barely made it' kind of grades. I know I'm running on a thin line here. If things continue this way, my entire year will flop. My essgra got me a D+ and my gdesfund got me a C. And to think that I have put in so much effort into my work. Maybe I am not giving the lecturers what they want or what they are looking for. This entire thing is demoralising me. Either that or he's expecting a lot out of me. I hope it's not the latter. One shouldn't place high hopes on me.

I have yet to get back my marketing and journalism. Like I said, everything is looking bleak.

Sighs. Is everything a mistake?
Maybe I am not cut out for this.

On the brighter side, at least I did not fail. I have classmates who failed both. Then again, she didn't hand in the second assignment. I am scared. I don't want to just breeze through this year with average grades. Those who know me well will understand why this is so important to me.

After school, went over to Grand's house. Many of my relatives, who are residing overseas, came back to Singapore. All of us gathered at Grand's house to have dinner. In the end, only my parents, Aunt Ju and Grand ate together. The rest had pior arrangements. Truth to be told, when I saw my younger niece (who is staying in US) and her siblings, I felt a surge of jealous. Yes, I have more than a jealous bone. In fact, I have several. The thing was, she was growing to be a young pretty lady (she's 14yrs old and she wears eyeliner) and she's living in the US, she's US educated, speaks with a funny accent ...you know what... now that I think of it, I guess there isn't much to be envious of. I mean, I get to know all my great friends in Singapore. All my memories are here. Basically my life and family are here. Sure, I didn't get to know fashion at 14, then again, I didn't want to be fashion savvy then so.. goodness! I just made myself sound like some pitiful desperate wannabe. Lols, talk about the phrase "the grass is always greener on the either side". Oh, how true!

Then I had to go SGH so Uncle got admitted in last evening(?). He still looks good but very tired. I pray nothing happens to him. I am not that close to him but I know he's cares a lot for me. Whenever my ma goes to his house, he would often ask for me. Heh. Most of the time, I am in school..whereas for other times...

Tests are done. That's a good thing.
I'm planning to go back to work too. I was just telling Han the other day that I wanted to go work again and he said "Why can't you just rest? Its the holidays" (or sth like that). Lols. I told him that if I really wanted to relax and have fun, I would have gotten a ticket and hopped onto the next plane to hawaii? Taiwan? HK? USA? Aust? ...you get my drift. But I cannot do that due to time and money constraits. Boy, if only I'm filthy rich. I wanna be Paris Hilton, only difference is? I have a brain that actually works.

Okay, I am feeling a little depressed and disappointed here. Thank goodness my tests are done. I am sooo going to have that well-deserved drink tonight. Today was Ahboon's last day at work and everyone at the kitchen side is going to some Techno place to celebrate. Lols. Techno, huh. I have nothing against it but it would be my first time.

It's all about Me.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Hooray! It's the WEEKENDS! Finally.

This week went by rather smoothly with the usual. Sleepless nights at the beginning of the week and then blurred mornings nearing the weekends. I think I don't get good sleep because I have been sleeping too much during the weekends and I sleep too little during the weekdays to have those mornings. Cumulative effect huh.

Cumulative effects. That's one of my media society terms. Lols.

I have two tests coming up next week and it's the holidays!. MedSoc (Mon) & Journalism (Wed). I was thinking, maybe I should go back to work during the holidays. Beats staying at home with nothing to do. Sure, I'll get my ample rest (at least a good 2 - 3 days before I go back to school) and I wanna get some cash too! I want to be able to say that I have earned ka-ching rather than spend what I have. Uh. Does that make sense to you? Lols. At least to me it does.

And when I go back to school, I will need to hand in articles again. Sighs. Will think of that when the time comes. As for now, quickly mug for tests first. :)

Going out for tea later with Ms. Tay. :)

It's all about Me.